WASHINGTON D.C. — A newly-formed bipartisan Congressional subcommittee has been formed to investigate gravity — specifically, why its effects seem to be increasing in recent years with more devastating results.
According to recent Associated Press reports, the subcommittee represents an almost unprecedented collaborative effort between Senator Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, and Representative Nancy Pelosi, D-California.
Both McConnell and Pelosi suffered painful falls last month due to the pernicious effects of gravity. McConnell, 82, sprained his wrist and injured his face after taking a tumble while leaving a closed-door GOP luncheon at the Capitol, while Pelosi, 84, required a hip replacement after falling down a staircase while in Luxembourg.
In an exclusive interview, Pelosi stressed that gravity affects all Americans and something must be done.
“Gravity seems to be more powerful and dangerous than it was 20, 15, even ten years ago,” she said. “If I could be grievously injured after falling down the exquisite marble staircase at The Grand Ducal Palace of Luxembourg following a meal of foie gras avec hawthorn puree with Grand Duke Henri, it could happen to any American.”
McConnell agreed.
“Representative Pelosi and I disagree on a great many things,” McConnell said, “but over the last few years, I’ve spent more time on my bathroom floor than the Senate floor. Something must be done about this terrible and mysterious force that gets stronger by the day.”
McConnell and Pelosi aren’t the only members of Congress concerned about gravity. Sen. Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, 91, said that the issue weighs heavily on his mind.
“I’ve seen what gravity has done to so many of colleagues, many of them taken down in the prime of their lives,” he said. “This isn’t just an American issue. It affects every country, from Sardinia to Prussia to the Tokugawa Shogunate.”
Many members of Congress, McConnell said, still remember when the late Sen. Strom Thurmond died in 2003 at the age of 100 after taking a hard fall at the Nathan Bedford Forrest Memorial Dinner at the former South Carolina banquet hall Clotilda’s Schooner.
“He exploded into dust, centipedes, and a gray slime that made you racist if you got any on you,” McConnell said, before staring into space and falling silent for three and a half minutes.
Pelosi said that it’s imperative that this Congressional subcommittee get to the bottom of the gravity issue before it’s too late.
“Right now,” she said, “gravity only seems to be affecting specific members of Congress. Try as we might, we can’t figure out what commonality we share. Some of us are Republican, some are Democrat. Some are from cities, some from rural areas. Some of us are wealthy, some are merely affluent. It’s a complete mystery at this point.”
After being informed that New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, 35, had requested a spot on the subcommittee, Pelosi frowned, removed her cell phone from her purse, and quietly began making phone calls.
