Ladies and gentlemen, I’m concerned.
Over the last few years, I’ve been following many different threats to our way of life. I’ve been assured that these threats are real, imminent, and will have horrific consequences. You would think that people would be terrified, and yet, I sometimes feel like these threats have somehow been completely forgotten.
Don’t believe me? Well, allow me to refresh your memory.
First off, the migrant caravan should be arriving any day now.
Remember back in 2018 when the dreaded migrant caravan was on its way? It was a huge issue during the midterms! Laura Ingraham called it an “invading horde,” and Michelle Malkin called it “a full-scale invasion by a hostile force.” It was a huge issue!
That was six years ago, and I haven’t really heard anything about the migrant caravan in the news lately nor has my home been invaded by conquering Hondurans, so I have to assume the caravan got waylaid somewhere in Mexico. But surely it’s still coming, and after six years, it has to be REALLY close. Why is no one talking about this?
Of course, if you think that’s bad, wait until you hear about the Zika virus. Remember the Zika virus? One of our sitting Congressmen whose column routinely appears on the same page as this one personally assured me in 2016 that the Zika virus represented an existential threat to America. He was WAY more worried about it than he ever seemed to be about COVID! How has everyone forgotten about this? Am I the only one remaining vigilant?
Also, wasn’t Mr. Potato Head going to become gender neutral? I remember Tucker Carlson being very upset about that, and also that the cartoon lady M&Ms aren’t sexy anymore. And aren’t they about to ban every book Dr. Seuss ever wrote? I saw some of his books at Barnes and Noble the other day and stocked up. It’s going to happen any day now, just you wait.
And let us not forget how bad it was when Lizzo played James Madison’s magical crystal flute. That was a terrible thing for some reason. I didn’t even know that flute existed before she played it, but man, I had some strong feelings about it afterward.
Then, of course, you have all those schools that have gender-neutral litterboxes for students who identify as cats. It’s absolutely amazing. I don’t need to see a single photograph or scrap of evidence to know that it’s entirely plausible that high schools are letting students go to the bathroom in litter boxes in public and absolutely no one has recorded a video of it happening. This is the end of an era, folks.
You know what else no one is talking about lately? Ben Ghazi. It was all anyone could talk about for years, but now it’s 12 years later and this maniac still hasn’t been brought to justice. Ben Ghazi is out there somewhere, and no one seems to care but me. And what if he gains access to Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server? We’re at 90 seconds to midnight here, people.
I just don’t get it. Why am I the only one still focusing on this stuff? Has the whole world gone crazy?
Sometimes, in my darkest moments, I almost think that all of these threats are just minor things blown wildly out of proportion or outright fabrications designed to generate politically expedient outrage.
Of course, a thought like that is every bit as crazy as these lunatics who are eating all the dogs and cats in Springfield, Ohio.
