In the days between when the newspaper comes out, online obituaries might be the only way to find out who died, and when and where the visitation and funeral will be.
But good luck deciphering the ever-complicated maze of obstacles that block your way to the information you’re after.
Online obituaries were useful when they first came out, but now the obituary website guys have figured out a lot of ways to make some money there.
Wow! Your buddy Steve’s father Omer has died. Let’s find out more. Click on Omer’s obituary.
There pops the Omer screen. You click on to read the obituary, or think you did …
“Plant a memorial tree in memory of Omer,” the screen reads.
Under the price of $79.95, you read, “Show the family you care by planting a tree for Omer in the area of greatest need.” What does “area of greatest need” mean?
“Each memorial tree includes a certificate that demonstrates your purchase.
“Your name will also be listed on Omer’s Tribute Wall.”
Is the Tribute Wall next to the trees?
You can buy a Single Tree, Grove of 3, and all the way up to Grove of 50. Wow, that adds up quickly.
Reading the fine print below:
“Your contribution is shared on the obituary, and you receive a digital certificate.” Oh, so they don’t even print out a piece of paper acknowledging that you had bought a tree.
“Planting location and tree species are determined by planting experts.” Oh – so who knows where that tree will be, but it’ll be nowhere near Omer. It could be in the obituary website worker’s backyard for all we know. And it could very well be one of those year-old sticks with bare roots you get in a pack of 10 for free when you join the Arbor Day Foundation for a one-time fee of $12.
I bet that as the website guy reaches his next 10 trees, and his next 10, he just keeps ordering more Arbor Day Foundation memberships under fake names to keep stocked.
When he runs out of room planting little sticks in his back yard, maybe he slips over to the local park or schoolyard or behind a Walmart to plant some more.
If you don’t want to spend $80 on a mysterious tree, location unknown, you could spring for a $60 flower that will be given to “someone in need of cheer.” I bet that’s the obituary website worker who is cheerful about getting your $60 and goes to pick a dandelion out of the strip of grass outside his office just to feel good that he’s met the requirement.
Click, click, click, all around, to see if you can find out when Omer died and when the funeral will be.
“Tribute Wall” is what you come up with. Oh – so THAT’s where they’ll put your name after you throw away money on a so-called tree.
You scan down the Tribute Wall and see no one related to Omer or anyone you recognize. However, there are some messages.
“Omer, we sure had some times together working at the chair plant in 1974,” one reads.
“Although I haven’t seen you in 32 years, I remember your laughter. You were a special man,” another reads.
“My financial woes were all solved, and I lost 46 pounds, when I became a CEO of my own company that helps others reach for their dreams and unlock their full potential. Let me show you how!” reads yet another.
Try again to find the obituaries.
Whoops, now you’re on some kind of survey.
“How did you know Omer?” it asks: “Family”, “Friend”, “Work”, “Church”, “Club”, “One Night Stand”, “Neighbor”, “Other.”
“How would you best characterize Omer?” it asks: “Loyal and Dependable”, “Life of the Party”, “Not Too Exciting But a Steady Eddie Who Got The Job Done”, “He Could Really Preach A Sermon If He Got You Cornered”, “Rather Not Say”.
Try again for the obituary and arrive at “Order Flowers For Omer’s Visitation.”
“Everyone is unique and so should the sympathy flowers sent to the memorial service or family’s home,” reads the sales pitch for the $97 Florist’s Choice Bunch. That one is unique indeed, because without you knowing who the florist is or being able to describe what you want or what Omer would have wanted, you’ll get whatever leftover flowers someone had in the bottom of the cooler that they’re glad to get rid of.
Of course, that just said “Bunch.” You could get an “Arrangement” for $160 – that means they’d have had to stick some flowers into floral foam – or a Spray on a Stand in prices ranging from $219 to $574.
Oh, but guess what – good news – if you get one of those Sprays, they’ll throw in one of those $80 trees for just $15.
Wait – does anyone know when Omer died and when and where his funeral will be?
