WASHINGTON, D.C. — It was announced on Monday that the National Council of Inconsiderate Jerks (NCIJ) will hold their annual summit in the middle of the grocery store aisle.
“It just makes sense,” said NCIJ President Rudy Campbell. “Whenever members of our organization happen to bump into each other at the grocery store, we generally find that the best place to hold a long, drawn-out conversation is right in the middle of the aisle. It’s spacious and convenient.”
However, the vote was not unanimous, Campbell said.
“In the past, we’ve held our summits while slowly walking shoulder to shoulder on busy city sidewalks,” he said. “We’ve also held summits on moving walkways at airports, standing stock-still, of course. A few members even wanted to bring back the tradition of holding the summit from two cars that have stopped in the middle of a quiet two-lane road so that the drivers can talk to each other. Unfortunately, after the shooting that took place back in ’07, we decided that was no longer a safe option.”
The agenda at this year’s NCIJ summit will be a lengthy one, Campbell said.
“We’ve got a lot of issues to work through,” he said. “For example, one popular topic has been cell phone usage. Is it better to use a bluetooth headset in public and then get angry at people when they think you’re talking to them, or is it preferable to put your phone on speaker and scream into it while holding it at arm’s length? I’m sure it’s going to be a heated debate.”
However, Campbell said, past summits have proven very fruitful.
“Last year’s summit was focused on ways to save time, or ‘life hacks,’ if you will,” he said. “For example, if you’re in a hurry and you need to get on an elevator, don’t bother to let the lady who’s already on there get off first. Just shove her aside and stomp on in. Also, say you go to a busy gas station and you want to go inside after you pump gas to buy a bag of chips. Don’t bother moving your car; it’s much faster to just leave it at the pump.”
The best life hack that NCIJ members have discovered, Campbell said, is that you can save upwards of 30 seconds by leaving your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot after you’ve loaded up your car.
“It’s the cart guy’s job to collect the carts, so it not only saves time, but it gives cart guys job security,” Campbell said. “If they didn’t want to collect carts, they should have gotten better jobs. That’s why it’s OK to talk down to them.”
Saving time is important for members of the NCIJ, Campbell explained, as they all keep busy schedules.
“Each morning, I usually swing by my favorite fast food place during the breakfast rush, hit the drive-thru, and buy about $170 worth of food,” he said. “I like to use the drive-thru because I’m generally hauling a 20-foot trailer and those things are hard to park. After that, I like to head to the bank, complete my transaction, and then tell the bank teller a long, rambling story about all the businesses that used to exist on the property before it was a bank. After that, I’ve got a long day ahead of calling up different businesses and organizations and asking them questions that I could easily look up online in a fraction of the time. Finally, at the end of the day, I like to stand on the street outside of my apartment building around 2 a.m. and shout a conversation at a guy across the street. As you can see, I’m a busy man.”
While NCIJ members are looking forward to the upcoming summit, Campbell said, there’s one part of the event that’s always a somber affair: the In Memoriam segment.
“For most people in the U.S., the leading cause of death is heart disease,” Campbell said. “For some reason, however, the leading cause of death for members of the NCIJ is being beaten to death in public by a stranger. Whether our members are minding our own business while in line at Subway, struggling to decide what to put on our sandwiches, or whether we’re simply offering some neighborly advice to the characters on the movie theater screen, we’re constantly in danger of completely unpredictable attacks by members of the public.”
When asked if he could imagine a possible solution to the threat of violence that members of his organization face daily, Campbell shook his head.
“I’m out of ideas,” he said. “But if anyone can come up with a solution, I’ll be more than happy to give them a piece of paper that looks just like a crisp $100 bill but is actually a Bible tract.”
