I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to write a fun Halloween column or a column about the rolling embarrassment that is the current search for a House Speaker. I figured, why not split the difference? Here’s my round-up of several Famous Monsters of Filmland and how I think they would perform in the role of 56th Speaker of the House. Enjoy!
Count Dracula
Rating: Excellent
As a charismatic monster who sucks the lifeblood from peasants, Count Dracula is already a seasoned politician in everything but title. At nearly 600 years old, he would be our fourth oldest Congressman.
Jason Voorhees
Rating: Decent
Given his propensity for murdering people at lakes, Jason Voorhees would likely do everything within his power to prevent a government shutdown that would cause lakes on National Park properties to close to the public.
Over the course of his career in “Friday the 13th” movies, Jason has proven himself to be driven, a real go-getter. In order to fulfill his goal of murdering as many teenagers as possible, Jason has risen from the dead on multiple occasions and has even traveled to both outer space and Hell. He is ambitious, effective, and an unstoppable force, all qualities that, unfortunately, immediately disqualify him from the role of House Speaker.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon
Rating: Poor
While the American people are willing to support figurative swamp monsters, a literal swamp monster may be too on-the-nose.
Godzilla
Rating: Poor
Over the course of his film career, Godzilla has served as a metaphor for the dangers of nuclear war, pollution, and climate change. Based on this history, Tucker Carlson would immediately label him “Wokezilla,” thereby sinking his chances of ever becoming House Speaker.
The Thing
Rating: Poor
A shape-shifting organism from beyond the stars that can assimilate living creatures and replicate them, the Thing is actually a colonial organism consisting of millions of cells working in unison to achieve a common goal. This concept of cooperation is utterly antithetical to modern American politics.
Norman Bates
Rating: Average
Despite Bates’ illustrious career in hotel management, the waning popularity of Mike Pence has proven that America no longer has patience for tense buttoned-down weirdos with undiagnosed mother issues.
Freddy Krueger
Rating: Excellent
Star of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” series, Freddy Krueger has proven to be charming and lovable even while murdering teenagers. Given that Freddy exists in the Dream World and can only interact with people while they’re asleep, it may seem like he has the deck stacked against him; however, given that Congress is largely made up of extremely elderly people who barely exist in the conscious world, this shouldn’t present a major setback.
It’s tempting to think that being a serial child molester would prevent Freddy Krueger from serving as House Speaker. However, it didn’t slow down Dennis Hastert.
Frankenstein’s Monster
Rating: Poor
After their experience with Donald Trump, it’s unlikely that the GOP would lend support to yet another abomination imbued with unholy power that eventually proved impossible to control and turned on its masters.
