The FBI is seeking the public’s assistance in identifying individuals who made unlawful entry into the U.S. Capitol building and committed various other alleged criminal violations, such as destruction of property, assaulting law enforcement personnel, targeting members of the media for assault, and other unlawful conduct, on January 6, 2021, in Washington, D.C.
We have deployed our full investigative resources and are working closely with our federal, state, and local partners to aggressively pursue those involved in these criminal activities.
While we are now two years out from the attack on the Capitol, many of the individuals involved remain at large. Your assistance is requested.
The FBI is seeking information regarding one individual in particular. A description follows below. If you know this individual, we ask that you contact the FBI immediately.
The individual in question is between 40 and 60 years of age. He was seen inside the Capitol building wearing a red “MAGA” hat, a camouflage jacket, and a pair of Oakley sunglasses. He has a salt-and-pepper goatee. He is believed to own a lifted late-model pickup truck.
After typing that out, we at the FBI realize this information could describe virtually every individual involved in the attack on the Capitol. We apologize for the vagueness and will attempt to offer more information.
The individual in question is heavy-set and unvaccinated. He is often ruddy-cheeked at the slightest display of physical labor and has multiple comorbidities. He considers himself a “lion” rather than a “sheep.” He is profoundly unattractive.
Ok, so this isn’t going too well. We’ll see if we can come up with anything else.
The individual in question has few friends and is, at best, tolerated by those he claims as friends. He may or may not be married, but if he is married, it is a doomed and loveless affair. He has become estranged from most of his family due to his abhorrent and hateful beliefs which he harps on constantly. If he has a Facebook page, it is extremely racist, although if asked, he will claim to not be a racist.
Man, we aren’t getting anywhere here, are we? It’s like they stamp these guys out at a factory downtown. Let’s see what else we’ve got.
The individual in question claims to not be afraid of anything despite the fact that his entire life is ruled by fear. He is afraid of whatever the TV tells him to be afraid of. He fears foreigners, outsiders, and anyone who is not also a heterosexual white male. He also fears economic devastation while paradoxically also fearing any progressive legislation that would prevent him from being forced into bankruptcy when any one of his multiple health issues lands him in the hospital for an extended stay. He has a child’s understanding of politics, government, and the world outside of the ten mile radius of the rural town where he was born, raised, and will inevitably die of a respiratory disease.
Look, we here at the FBI are doing our best, all right? We’ve been staring at the same mugshots for two straight years. Just file after file of ugly, hateful men. Are they multiple men, or just one man? Can both things be true? We can no longer say.
The individual in question does not believe in white privilege because he has amounted to very little despite it. When he grudgingly eats at an ethnic restaurant, he orders a burger and fries. He loves memes about how cool the bikers in Easy Rider were while not realizing that he’s more closely aligned to the rednecks who gunned them down in the final scene. He is inexplicably proud of having drunk water from the hose and his ability to write in cursive. He misses the days when he could support a family by putting a washer on the end of a screw for eight hours a day, yet he is also strongly anti-union. His every waking moment is spent fighting back against the wave of cognitive dissonance that threatens to overwhelm him as his needs and his desires are in stark opposition.
All right, we at the FBI give up. Just send us your least favorite uncle’s home address and maybe we’ll nab this guy eventually.
