A brief list of terrible drivers

Earlier this week, I drove from Patrick County to Charles Town, West Virginia to buy a pinball machine. It wasn’t the first time I’ve made a long road trip to buy or trade for a pinball machine; in fact, it wasn’t even the first time I’ve bought one in Charles Town.

My hobby has taken me everywhere from the South Carolina coast to Louisville, Kentucky to the outskirts of Pittsburgh. I’ve put a lot of miles on my car, and I’ve spent a lot of time on the interstate highways of the eastern U.S.

This has given me plenty of time to think and observe. With the holidays fast approaching, I figure a whole lot of folks will be on the road this month, so perhaps this would be a good opportunity to share what little wisdom I have to offer. 

With that in mind, I’d like to present a brief list of terrible drivers and their vehicles. These are the folks that you should keep an eye on, the folks you should offer a wide berth, and the folks you should avoid entirely. I hope you find it useful. 

A brief list of terrible drivers and their vehicles:

1. The U-Haul

Much like you should offer plenty of space to a car with a “STUDENT DRIVER” sign on the roof, you should always give a U-Haul plenty of room. Even if you’ve never driven anything bigger than a smart car, you can rent a 26-foot U-Haul truck with nothing more than a standard driver’s license. Never hauled a trailer before? Who cares? U-Haul will rent one to you. 

As a result, most U-Haul drivers are operating in a state of constant thanatopic terror, their massive trucks veering from lane to lane at the slightest gust of wind, their trailers wagging like a dog’s tail. They aren’t necessarily bad drivers, they’re just constantly teetering on the brink of a total loss of control.

2. The Dodge Ram

Let me be clear: I’m not saying that only massive jerks drive Dodge Ram pickup trucks. However, if you walk into a Dodge dealership wearing a Confederate flag hat and a Monster Energy T-shirt and call the salesman a racial slur while showering him with dip spit, he will immediately whisk you to the Ram section. 

I don’t like it either, but that’s just the way it is.

Dodge Ram drivers do not care about the other cars on the road. They will speed up and swerve through traffic as though they were piloting a nimble motorcycle and not a massive gas-guzzling behemoth the size of an ocean-going vessel. If anyone gets in the way, it’s not their fault. It’s not like the Dodge Ram driver will even notice any of their innocent victims, considering the blind spot in front of the hood could conceal a Clydesdale. 

Some Dodge Ram drivers will even outfit their diesel engines to “roll coal,” producing thick clouds of choking black smoke at the flip of a switch. They do this out of concern that others might not notice the Ram badging on their truck and mistake them for a decent person.

If you have a young child in the car, shield their eyes when a Dodge Ram passes; at least one bumper sticker will be profoundly vulgar. 

3. The white BMW

When you see any late-model BMW on the road, you should assume the driver is grossly incompetent. If the BMW is white, you should assume the driver is barely sentient. 

As far as I can tell, white BMWs are shipped from the factory without turn signal stalks. If you see a turn signal flash on a white BMW, do not trust it; it is a trick. 

Much like a dispossessed wandering spirit, the white BMW will drift all over the road and merge into traffic as though its driver is unaware that other people exist. If you see a white BMW pull up next to you on the interstate, the safest course of action is to simply drive off the road and into the nearest field before the BMW merges into you. 

Fortunately, white BMWs are easy to spot even at night since their powerful LED headlights are constantly on high-beam. If you want to know whether or not the driver behind you at night is in a white BMW, there’s an easy test; simply roll down your window and stick your arm out. If you can see the bones in your arm through the skin, the car behind you is a BMW. 

4. The heavily-modded Jeep Wrangler

If you see a late-model Jeep Wrangler that’s been heavily modified with after-market parts, be on your guard. These Jeeps are easy to spot: they’re bulky and hideous, they’re covered in stickers advertising that the vehicle in question is, in fact, a Jeep, and they nearly always have a stupid aftermarket grille that makes the headlamps look like angry eyes with furrowed eyebrows. This is so you know the driver is a real tough guy.

Heavily-modded Jeeps are also spotless since they’re never taken off-road. Who would risk damage to their $100,000 molded plastic investment? As a result, heavily-modded Wranglers are most dangerous in rain or snow, as the drivers have no idea how to drive their vehicles outside of a dry asphalt road or a Wal-Mart parking lot. In bad weather, you’ll generally see them roaring past you in the left lane at 100 miles an hour on their way to the scene of the grisly accident.

5. The Nissan Altima

The average Nissan Altima has been wrecked three times and repossessed twice. It is held together with duct tape, Bondo, and prayers. It has a trade-in value of $40, and the driver knows this. 

The Nissan Altima driver is a man or woman to be both feared and respected. They do not fear death, for they drive a Nissan Altima they bought at a police auction after the previous owner was felled in a hail of gunfire, likely while in the driver’s seat. 

The Nissan Altima driver does not obey the rules of the road any more than they obey the rules of God or man. They are not to be engaged. Much as one would quietly observe a grizzly bear, enjoying its majesty while being prepared to escape, one should appreciate the Altima driver while avoiding their wrath. Watch as the Altima swerves across five lanes of traffic to hit a 30mph exit ramp at 85 mph. Marvel as the Altima runs off the road for no apparent reason, overcorrects, and then barely manages to avoid causing a massive pileup. Observe in wonder as the Altima roars past you on an icy road with three donut spare tires. Just like the noble grizzly, the Altima is as dangerous as it is beautiful.

Safe travels!